Javy, you play in the Midwest man, take it easy for a second. You cant just go out and flaunt your dark, toned, perfectly manicured Puerto Rican body around while all of us are still trying to get a base tan. It’s not a good look for us out here. How am I supposed to talk a lady with any confidence knowing they’ve seen your ESPN body issue? Javy has been a fan favorite since he was mashing homers in the minors, but this might change things a little bit for us male Cubs fans considering he is making us all look bad. Can we go back to the olden days of 2014 when Prince Fielder was headlining the ESPN body issue? I was at peak confidence then. Yeah, I’m kinda hefty but you know what? So is Prince Fielder and he hits baseballs to the moon so its fine.
In the Javy Baez era, I have no excuse for my physique. I have a softball game tonight and I would be lying if I said this wasn’t going to affect my confidence at the plate. There are only two important things in life that you can benchmark yourself to other guys; Being good looking and being good at beer league sports. If I am neither of those things then whats the point of living? While I simply cannot compete with Javy on looks, I still think I may be a better beer leaguer than him maybe? Yes, Javy won a World Series last year, but did he do it with 6-12 beers in him each game? I don’t think so. This will still be in the back of my mind though, knowing if I suck at softball, I will be a completely worthless human.
While I’m a little irked that Baez is body shaming all of us Chicagoans, he has inspired me to start my summer diet that I have been pushing off since 2015. In fact, I am going to make his body issue picture the background of my phone screen, strictly for motivational purposes… and definitely no reasons other than that. Should I eat that 3rd bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? *Looks at the phone screen* Nope. Someone brought donuts into the office? *Phone screen* I’ll Pass. Hostess are 2 for a $1 at the 711? I will still buy them because that’s an absurd deal, but once I look at my phone I will decide to save one for later.
With Baez joining Jake Arrieta in Body Issue glory, Cubs fans sports confidence is at an all-time high, while their personal confidence is at an all-time low, which is a dangerous combo for emotional health as you can tell by this blog.