Okay so I know what you were thinking. “What happened to those wildly entertaining guys who blogged about stuff for a couple months.” Well, I’ll tell you. We’ve been lying in the weeds, waiting to strike for a perfect opportunity. Im excited to announce our long hiatus is over and we will be back to give YOU the inside scoop of what is going on inside our brains. A lot has happened since I last blessed you with my insight. The Bears have got off to a real hot start, the Cubs have been muddling around and I got let go from my day job for unspecified reasons. After a month or 2 of what my colleagues in the medical field call “alcoholic depression”, and what I simply call being lost in the sauce, I have decided to make my triumphant return because of one story that not only saved me from myself, but may save our great nation from itself. I am of course talking about how Charles “Peanut” Tillman is training to become an FBI agent. First off I wanted to point out that it might be dumb strategy to make this information public, but I’m no expert in national intelligence. We all saw what happened with scandal surrounding former FBI Director James Comey and how he ruined the credibility of the intelligence community. But from every tragedy comes opportunity, and Charles Tillman has never been one to let an opportunity slip by him. I predict that Charles will be named FBI Director in no less than 2 years. This was a role he was born for, a role he was groomed for and a role he will take the reigns of and save the United States of America. Tillman is more than qualified to join the FBI, he has spent an entire career stopping opposing forces from progressing on his native soil, which would be the FBI’s mission statement if I had to guess. In his playing days, Tillman had the patented “Peanut Punch”, a skill he can surely bring with him to the FBI in stopping criminals in the streets. Tillman has stopped criminals like Plaxico Burress, Sam Hurd, and Donte Stallworth in their tracks on the gridiron and that is invaluable experience for stopping criminals off it. Lets not Forget that Tillman was a teammate of Hurd’s when he got popped for trying to become a Chicago drug kingpin. Coincidence? I think not. Tillman almost surely had a role in taking down one of the absolute dumbest criminals in NFL history and the intelligence community will not soon forget that. While Tillman can’t just be named FBI Director off the bat due to stupid bureaucratic traditions, Tillman will be well suited in the FBI’s SWAT team until his time comes. Peanut has swatted many-a-ball in his day on the field, now he will be able to swat criminal fools in their tracks. I’m not actually sure what SWAT stands for, but I am assuming it has something to do with actual swatting. Still not convinced Charles is qualified? Well how about the time he saved Sideline Reporter, Laura Okmin from sure death?
That camera cart was barreling straight toward Laura at unprecedented speeds and Tillman just swoops her up like Superman. Seriously though who was driving that thing, Tiger Woods? Absolutely reckless.
So thank you, Charles. Thank you for saving me and America which are basically one in the same. I will be following this story closely and I will be sure to keep you, our loyal readers updated on any developments.
Stay tuned, We back. Lost in the Sauce Sports 2.0.